Tanner, the Barbie Dog

My second child, a girl, really is a pink-purple-frilly-Barbie princess at heart, despite her tomboyish, short-haired appearance. Barbie, therefore, vomited all over our house this Christmas because I had gone the route of intellectual, cerebral toys for her last year (electronic globe, mindbending puzzles, science kits, etc.) and this year I really just wanted to hear her oooh and aaaah and squeal with delight.

And she did just that, especially when she opened this "Barbie & Tanner" set on Christmas morning:

See, I don't know if you know this, but Barbie has a dog named Tanner, and I thought this set would make a perfectly sweet addition to her other Barbie toys because Tanner closely resembles our own yellowish Lab, George.



And "how cute," I thought. It comes with its own little doggie dish and cute little doggie food to place inside. So Barbie's getting a little skimpy with her wardrobe, what with the belly-button-revealing top and all...so what? At least she's hot and sexy and has a teeny-tiny waist, and that's really all that should matter to a seven-year-old girl, right? As a mother, I think it's really important to select toys that impart the important values I'm trying to uphold in my family.



Please come along with us as we enjoy little Tanner. First, you pour the food into his dog dish.





Tanner's very hungry because Barbie forgot to feed him while they were living in that dreadful Amazon.com warehouse, the heartless wench, so he digs right in and starts chowing down.

Then the horror begins.

He...umm...he...

(I can barely say it...)

He...




Poops. You lift his tail and Tanner poops out the food you so generously placed in his dish just moments before. And here's the really bizarre, disturbing, disgusting, sick thing: his food is his poop. Is his food is his poop is his food. And so on...and so on...and so on.

Truth be told, I thought it looked a lot more like poop than food to begin with, but once Tanner took his first bite, I began to accept it as food. But then he pooped it out and I could only accept it as poop. But then my daughter turned around and fed the poop to Tanner again, starting a strange, vicious cycle that has resulted in a state of utter nausea and confusion that I just haven't been able to shake all day. The whole thing has left me in a gastrointestinal tizzy and flies in the face of all I've ever understood about digestion. It's meant to be a one-way street, for goodness sake. It doesn't go back in once it comes out. Gag. A girl like me really shouldn't have to ponder such things...should she?



At least civic-minded Mattel had the presence of mind to include a pooper-scooper and a sanitary wastebasket to properly dispose of the poop before you turn around and feed it to Tanner again. I'm so glad they had sterility and hygiene foremost in their minds.

And another thing. I really can't believe the dialogue this single toy has sparked in my household in the past 24 hours. Several times today I have caught myself telling my daughter to "keep track of her poop" so she doesn't lose it. "Do you still have all your poop?" I asked her this morning. "Don't lose any of your poop, because we're not going to get any more," I warned at noon. And this evening? A real low point, as I said, "Don't let your baby brother eat any of your poop!"

I want to go back to L.A. I never talked about such things when I lived there. I talked about sushi and pollution and traffic and Melrose Place and Fred Segal and Wolfgang Puck and black pumps. Never poop, and most certainly never poop being the same thing as food or how important it is not to lose your poop or keeping your baby brother from eating your poop. How did this happen? When did everything go so wrong?

Okay. Alright. There is one benefit to having Tanner, the Poop-Eating Barbie Dog in our house. I need only to hand him to my two young boys and they will sit, completely mesmerized and silent, for at least thirty minutes---just long enough for me to lie down and stare at the ceiling and get lost in a daydream about my former L.A.-poop-free existence. Finally, here's a toy they can really wrap their brains around; one centered entirely around poop.





Men.

Comments

[wetsy]

Well, um, dog food does kind of look like poop, doesn't it? Mattel wasn't too far off.
Oh, and hooray for brown-haired Barbie! She looks just like you, Ree.

[Diedra]

This post just confirms with my 10 year old son that girls and their toys are just plain strange. How did that item ever come to market?

[FF]

Oh, LOL!!! Tanner the Poop Eating Barbie Dog!!! What will they sell us next??

I thought it was pretty disturbing when they made baby dolls that actually pooped. Reality toys!

Thanks for the Ha Ha. D :)

[teetotaled]

Wow! Barbie has come a long way. My first Barbie was wearing a bathing suit and came with a pair of sunglasses and a towel, both of which I immediately lost. Hope the poop sticks around! :)
Oh and I used to be obsessed with my doll who peed when you feed her. The things kids like!

[dadia]

So....PLS tell me Tanner also barks & growls @ strangers!!! Uhmmm.....he herds cattle??? lolololol.....

BTW...as Barbies to, this one actually IS dressed rather matronly, don'tcha think? I mean, where ARE the short-shorts? - AND her shoulders/arms are covered!! My goodness, what is happening down at Mattel??!

[Brandi]

I had a Barbie car and a horse for Barbie with a side saddle. This was before she became a slut.

[Jenni in KS]

I hadn't seen this toy yet, but apparently it's been heavily advertised during cartoons because my two youngest just came up behind me and said they've seen it. I think my 10yodd is pretty much done with Barbies, but back when the girls were into them I tried to be selective about which dolls I bought them. My favorites were the veterinarian Barbie and equestrian Barbie. I would have gone for teacher Barbie or astrophysicist Barbie, too, if I thought the girls would go for that. I would occasionally consent to a holiday Barbie or other fluffy type concerned more with fashion than brains and character. At least we steered clear of Barbie's slutty cousins, the Bratz dolls. After all, these dolls are role models for our daughters. Uh...right.

10yodd's favorite Christmas present was the Country Life set with barn, fencing, tractor, truck, farm animals, people, and little tiny tools that we bought her at Atwood's. I almost didn't buy it because I thought she was pretty much done with toys--she's grown up faster being the youngest--but she has played with it for hours on end and even gotten her older sibs and me to play, too. Yesterday she came straight in from feeding the horses and other animals and went right to feeding the play animals, mucking their stalls, and putting the extra hay bales up in the barn. Too cute:o)

[Brian]

I don't think it's all about MEN Ree. Just because I have to scoop the litter boxes, the wife refuses, doesn't mean I am obsessed with poop. How do they come up with these toys? What kind of focus groups sign off on the marketing?

Good to see that Barbie is still going strong as a role model for all the young girls out there. It's not like she is Miss Nevada or anything. Right?

[Susan in va]

ROFL!!!! I can't say much else - this has got to be one of your funniest posts ever! Disturbing, but funny.

[Weekends Off]

Oh that is pretty gross! But funny too. I need one to go with my pooping animal collection. I have a bull, pig and a cow that poop little jelly beans. I need Tanner.

[Bob Cleveland]

I'll try not to think of the fact that my Mother's maiden name was Tanner. I'm just thankful that Mattel held back on the scatological dog until after Mom had aleady gone to her Eternal Home.

God IS merciful. In some ways.

[cecedon]

My 8yo recieved that barbie for her birthday from a friend (who had the same thing). OMG it was amazing to see how much they love that thing. The good news is that it wears off. But really isn't it gross how that dog eats it's poop? Yucky! Santa brought the barbie house (all 3 feet of it) for said 8 yo too. I've decided to be one with barbie, she IS better than those my scene dolls or the dreaded bratz dolls.

[JillyD]

My sister bought this for one of her nieces (on her husband's side) and had no idea that Tanner was a pooping machine. Apparently they discovered it *after* the gift had been opened and she was mocked and ostracized by the in-laws. True to form, her 13 year old nephew played with it more than the 5 year old intended recipient.

As for my house, my 10 year old got an iPod ~ I was 37 before I got mine. It would be nice to still buy Barbies ~ even one's with poop eating dogs!

JillyD

[Angie]

Did you buy her the Barbie vet too? I think Tanner has pica and she should take him to the vet right away....

[PAMELA]

Every dog I've ever been around eats it's share of .. uh... poop. (course not their own, usually cow, horse, cat whatever)

And then want to lick your face

[Denise]

HILARIOUS!

[James Cooper]

Ahahahaha -- so glad no one else is at the office right now. I laughed so hard I think some of my cereal bar came up my nose. Ah, kids and toys :-)

[stephanie]

So the message with the pooping dog and the midriff barring Barbie is that no matter what size you are, or what you look like, or how long and blonde your hair is...you still have to clean up dog crap. :)

[Natalie]

Poop is an endless series of conversations in our house; we have three boys. I love this Barbie. Sure, she's a little slutty but she has her own eating/pooping dog!

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a Barbie (before they had names like Prom Queen Barbie, etc...) and a chemistry set and several plastic horses (I collected them.) I used the Bunson burner to *mold* Barbie's straight legs into something that would allow her to *ride* the horsies because her straight, stiff legs always made her *pop* off the horses. I called her Bow-legged Buckaroo Barbie.
How great it would have been if she'd had a dog.
Just keep the kids away from the stove... just in case they get a hankerin' to make her bow-legged. 'Cause then she'll look a little slutty AND be bow-legged AND have a poop-eating dog. Oh, the implications!
;)

[Tara]

I'm just laughing till I cry here! I'm also not sure what mattel was thinking, but I can imagine my boys also being quite fascinated with this dog. Maybe I should buy them a barbie just for the dog, (and I can secretly keep the barbie to play with myself, I have no girls to buy girlie things for :( )

[MrsGriffin]

The product description on Amazon reads:

"Tanner the dog eats and ejects waste from his body. At this point, Barbie can pick it up in a scooper, and then Tanner will eat it again-- just like your real dog!"

Too funny!

[Nan]

Oh. My. This is definitely disturbing. (I'm laughing my gut off though so thanks for taking those Christmas pounds off!)

Hey, Ree. Come back down to earth would you? Wolfgang Puck and Fred Segal POOPED! :^D (I can hear you now, "NOOOO!! That's not true! That could never be true! It's impossible!!" (ala Luke Skywalker upon finding out he was the son of his evil arch nemesis.)

Nan

[b.]

Ha-Ha! When I first saw the sanitation container, I thought it was an AUTOMATIC FEEDER. I guess it sorta still is...

[Jenners in AZ]

Oh, my! *Note to self: don't let 8 yod see THIS toy!!* We went the new bike route this year...all of us can ride like the wind together!

Thanks for the oh-so-funny post today! Laughed so hard!!!!

Jenn

[Tanya]

I just have to come out of lurk-dom for this- it gets even worse when you get Barbie's cat that pees in the litter box and makes a green, sandy, disgusting mess!! Oh- and if you lose Tanner's poop, you can replace it with tic tacs!!! Love your blog!!
Tanya