To You From Us

Greetings and Merry Christmas from our highly accomplished household!!!! It's just been one promotion, one raise, one well-deserved advancement after another this year, and we have no one but ourselves to thank!!!!!!!!!

We finally closed on the big, sprawling house in Buena Vista, and at no fewer than 5,065 square feet, not including the three-car garage, which we had absolutely no problem filling, it's finally a home worthy of us that's big enough to hold all of our trophies and plaques. Alas, before we move in we'll have to gut the place and start over, as the pathetic yayhoos who lived there before us had the taste of K-Fed's bastard uncle. We haven't finalized our decorating plans yet, but you know me...it'll something mega-classy! Picture leopard, leather, and lace.

I'm sure you've all been losing sleep wondering whatever happened to our little Susie's infected toenail. Well, turns out her entire left foot became necrotic and we had to amputate, which was really no big deal except Miss Pootsie, her ballet master, passed her over for the lead role in The Nutcracker again this year. Tired of all the head games, we slapped ol' Pootsie with a gnarly lawsuit that caused her to collapse with a harmless little stroke that I still contend she faked, just like she's faking that ridiculous, sympathy-garnering limp she's been flaunting around town ever since. We turned down her settlement offer to cast Susie in whatever Nutcracker part she wanted, because we want blood and besides, it's all just dirty now.

Little Rickie tipped the scales at 317 in June, just a week shy of his ninth birthday, and even though the local pediatric clinic staged a minor intervention at our home in September, I happen to think the extra padding brings out the blue in his squinty little eyes! And they're all just jealous anyway, most likely because Rickie placed eleventh in the county-wide XBOX tournament in August, and I'm sure those pediatrician peons can't afford an XBOX for their poor, skinny kids with all the med school debt they have, and after all, if THEIR kids can't have one, neither should anyone else's...RIGHT? They're all just so incredibly jealous.

My Roger continues to thrive in his new job at AcmeIncCo. He was just so above that piss-ant job he had before, and did not deserve to be fired, I don't care how many hours of company time he spent buying dirty socks on eBay...and so WHAT if he "tickled" Senorita Rosalita in the copy room? She's illegal anyway. Yes, AcmeIncCo. is a much better fit for my Roger, and we just received word that he'll get to move to the fifth cubicle closest to the supervisor's office in May if he doesn't receive any more write-ups for violating the company's internet policy!!!!!! We're so thrilled he's finally getting the recognition he deserves.

After being brought before our church's Standards Board on suspicion of unChristianlike conduct for calling Old Man Miller a tallywhacker before worship one Sunday, I was placed on probation and not allowed to attend Cookie Sunday for two whole months, which is patently absurd because everyone knows I sit in the fourth pew, far left, every single Sunday so Pastor can notice my attentiveness during his sermon, and Old Man Miller really had some kahunas, faking that hearing problem so he could steal my seat. They're all just jealous.

We're actually thinking of converting to Catholicism because the Catholic church in town? Our Lady of Perpetual Motion? It's really so much classier than our steel monstrosity and they have much more classier windows and doors. And besides, it's always really gotten under my skin that those Catholics won't let us "outsiders" partake in the Lord's Supper, as if we're just not goooood enough to be in their precious Bread & Wine Club. Well, I'll show them. I'll turn Catholic and eat their bread and drink their wine and they'll be sorry they ever messed with this child of God!

On a lighter note, I continue to be highly recognized all over town for my wonderfully generous philanthropy work. Just last week, I delivered a box of free yoga DVDs to all the quadriplegics at the VFW, and every Tuesday I positively slave away at the local soup kitchen, preparing such heavenly delights as my Aunt Harry's Spamball Soup and my Grandmother Bill's Peanut Butter Meat Cake for the poor, malodorous souls who show up looking for a hot meal. I also donate all my stale bread and doughnuts to the local orphanage, as those hungry scoundrels are just happy to have anything to eat, and every Thursday I refrain from screaming at my housekeeper for not dusting the living room correctly. I figure it's the least I can do!!!!!!!

We hope you have as materially extravagant a Christmas as we're sure to, and most of all, we hope and pray that 2007 brings you as many raises, new cars, big homes, and trophies as it's sure to bring our blessed household.

Fondly, Us 

Comments

[Robin]

** s i g h **

Only funny because it REEKS of what's coming in the next few weeks, huh?

My personal favorite paragraph included such stellar accomplishments like "I delivered a box of free yoga DVDs to all the quadriplegics at the VFW". Favorite in the sense that kind of thing breaks my heart because it really happens....So tell me, why was it my favorite? I gotta come up with another word other than "favorite"...!

[Beth]

Thanks for posting my annual Christmas letter!

Kidding (I think)..

[swampwitch]

A-w-w-w, I was going to say, "Glad to see you received my Christmas letter, but Beth beat me to it." So, I'll have to send you another letter with pictures of the cars, big homes, and trophies.

[cecedon]

So glad it's not true Ree. :) Hope you really don't know anyone who could write this letter.

[seth]

re: yoga for paraplegics, I was once at the library in my home town browsing the magazines, and I was pleased to discover the subscribed to Paraplegia News-- until I realized it was on the top shelf of a six foot rack.

[Jenni in KS]

I don't care who ya are, *that's* funny!

[Stacie]

Can I borrow this?

:)
Stacie

[lion]

What I love is how you totally nailed the character, bad grammar, over-punctuation, and all.

Brilliant.

[claudia]

True class!! :P hhehehee

[Pamela]

(You forgot about uncle speedo, who's having surgery next week on his hemmeroids. We've all decided to wish him a
HAPPY NEW REAR!)

[momto3cubs]

Ah, apparently we're on some of the same mailing lists.

Excellent, you nailed it, LOL!

[Susan in va]

I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one to get one of these letters every.single.year.

[wetsy]

"K-Fed's bastard uncle"

I think I wet myself.

[dadia]

Are you somehow related to my Dad's oldest sister?! The one who once told my fiance, upon meeting him for the first time,that she'd "probably LOST more diamonds than MOST folks own in a lifetime"?! Yes, fiance was definitely "impressed"...

She passed away several years ago or I'd swear that you had recently rec'd & copied her 2006 newsletter! lol!!

[Amy]

Too funny!
"I delivered a box of free yoga DVDs to all the quadriplegics at the VFW"...
My sister once sent glow-in-the-dark stars, for the ceiling, to a blind orphan in Mexico!

[James Cooper]

Ahahahahahah, oh sweet jebus that was funny. And a happy holidays to you and yours too, Ree. Now I've got to go find a "Our Lady of Perpetual Motion" in my area.

[liz]

That's funny! I actually love getting those letters, no matter how much bragging goes on.

[Karmyn R]

At first you had me worried. You are moving to Buena Vista? then, my slow brain this morning figured it out....

Those orphans are just so LUCKY they even get donuts.

(oh - and I do enjoy getting these letters, better than bills!!!)

[Old Dominion Heather]

U R A FRUITCAKE, REE!!

[Nan]

"I delivered a box of free yoga DVDs to all the quadriplegics at the VFW"...
My sister once sent glow-in-the-dark stars, for the ceiling, to a blind orphan in Mexico!"

LOL! One time in highschool I stupidly suggested we invite the international students (who, need I mention, barely spoke a word of English) over to play a game of Taboo. **rolls eyes at self**

Too funny Ree. :^D

[roaringmommy]

Sadly, I have a friend who writes stuff like this and is SERIOUS. I used to hate getting it, but now it's so fun to laugh about. My husband and I take great pleasure in making fun pf them. Good writing, Ree!

[Willowtree]

I think those Wheat Shit fumes are finally getting to you.

[Pam]

Okay...I take umbrage with all you lazy illiterates...
I write a Christmas letter...well, not the last two years 'cause there wasn't a dang thing to write about. But I write an honest and heartfelt letter to let people know what's been going on...not a self congratulatory letter or whatevertheheck it was that Ree just posted. I'm glad nonyousguys is on my mailing list. So pppbbllllttttt.

*crosses arms over chest, sticks lower lip out....sulks*

♥Pam

[Brian]

Well, at least all I have to do now is cut and paste and send this out to all the little people.

Have a wonderful Non-Denominational Winter Shopping Festival.

[Heidi]

Right on! I do a Christmas letter every year, except when that straitjacket impairs my typing...and I'm always afraid it's going to turn out like a bragging list!

This was a good chuckle! Thanks!