Dropping My Contents

Tonight our kids are spending the night at their cousins' house, so Marlboro Man and I have spent the evening watching movies. After taking in the delightfully girl-friendly "In Her Shoes," with Cameron Diaz and my favorite actress on the planet, Toni Collette, we regretfuly moved on to the exceedingly unfortunate horror flick, "The Hills Have Eyes." If you ever have the opportunity to watch it, particularly if you live twenty miles out in the country, don't. Don't. Don't. Oh, and don't. Just don't.

It was so awful that halfway through the movie, I simply had to have a break. There was a baby who'd been abducted by nuclear waste zombies, and I could no longer bear the thought of such a thing, having successfully raised four babies without any of them ever being held by anyone who didn't absolutely love every ounce of them, let alone by bloody, deformed, brain-sucking zombies who wished them harm. I sat down at the computer for a little dose of the real world, while Marlboro Man went outside to get a cold Dr. Pepper from his pickup.

Minutes later, he returned, sporting one of the most disturbing Halloween masks I reckon I've ever seen:

Seems he'd picked it up earlier today and was waiting for the right moment to try it out on me. I caught sight of the face in the mirror above the computer desk where I was sitting, and horror set in; I truly, truly thought---for at least 2.7 seconds---that my love had been eaten by our own brand of hill zombies, one of which was now inside my house, moving rapidly toward me.

I let out a gutteral, primal, embarrassing scream and jumped from my seat so quickly, I knocked over the chair. I almost started running. Then, once I recognized the familiar gray shorts and white t-shirt...

...I started to cry in both relief and despair. My husband cried, too. But it was a gleeful cry, more like the way Rocky Balboa cried when he beat Apollo Creed in Rocky II. This was a huge victory for him; the fulfillment of a continual dream of his to make me scream and cry and squirm.

He's done this before. While my sister and I were deep in the middle of "The Sixth Sense" a few years ago, he barged in the back door, howling like a deranged madman. She and I collapsed onto the floor in terror and instinctively assumed a crab-crawl pose, as if to prepare to flee. Once Marlboro Man calmed down from laughing and we wiped the tears of horror from our faces, my sister and I reflected curiously on just how terrified we had felt at the moment he pushed through the door. My sister made the remark, "I almost dropped my contents."

She was, of course, referring to the flight response that fires up in an animal when a predator is pursuing it. To lighten the load and facilitate better running speeds for the fleeing animal, the intestine and bladder empty at the sign of a threat. That's how we felt that night. Our bottoms quivered nervously for at least an hour afterward. I call it a hiney cringe.

And that's how I feel right now. An hour after my loving husband's surprise attack, my nervous system is in high gear; my body in a state of persistent tingle; my pulse still high; my respiration still heightened. And, most noticeably, my hiney is still cringing like crazy. It's a strange, indescribable, rather uncomfortable quivering sensation taking place; I wish I could make it stop. But my body's flight response was triggered...and so far, it hasn't clicked back off.

What if it never does? I haven't quite figured out the long term application for such a feeling. I'll keep you posted.

Comments

[Pam]

Oh my, that deserves at least a kick in the shins. If not more. (I try to be nonviolent)I'll have to remember that line...dropping my contents. Here's one of my personal favorites that I believe I came up with. Really!You know when you are in a situation that requires you to take action to CYA?I call it"Covering my assets."Hope you get over the hiney thing.♥Pam

[yer buddy]

Pam,I love the "covering your assets" term," and I'm going to adopt it into my lexicon (is that correct usage of "lexicon"?) Can you give us some examples of how you use it?

[Julie]

Oh that is just too funny. I can just see you and Bets on the floor in the crab position. Too funny!

[BlueBird]

Kick to the shins, nothing! A smack to the balls or a punch in the face would've been sufficient. What is it with hubby's and their incessent need to scare the women who love them? My husband LOVED startling me, all through our marriage. One day he took it too far, and snuck into the bathroom while I was showering, reached through the curtain, while I was soaping my face, and honked the boobage. Screaming, tears, more screaming, more tears. *eye roll* men!

[Brooke]

Oh my gosh, I can promise you I would have "dropped my contents"....the best is that you thought "Gosh I gotta get a picture of this" LOVE it!! That would of been the last thing on my mind!! :) I love the mask though, MM did good. He could make a lot of people "drop their contents" in that mask. He should try it out on some of the farm help. FUNNY!!!

[Laura]

Well, now. This caused a flashback. Once when I was in about 3rd grade, I came home from school and could not find my mother anywhere in the house. I went calling through the rooms and suddenly this twisted looking old hag came limping out of the bathroom at me. I went stiff as a board and stood screaming my lungs out. My MOTHER then whipped off her halloween mask and laughed so hard that she bawled. And that is why I see a therapist once a week.....

[Pamela]

In our house it's the other way around. I do those things to my hubby. I've never used a mask. That doesn't say much for my face, does it.A sudden case of scare or nerves ..I call Sphincter Fit.... And you can measure the shake factor on your Spincter ScaleI can be used to measure farts, too. But I know for Ree that is the name of which we do not speak... Lord BolderFart

[Swampwitch]

Some great new expressions here:dropping my contents, sphincter scale, sphincter fit, CYA, Lord BolderFart...just a Cultural Mecca all in one place ! Although I think I liked the proceeds from the castration event better than these.

[Andrew]

Have you seen Love Actually? It's our favorite for movie nite when the kids are out of the house.AndrewTo Love, Honor and Dismay

[pixielyn]

My god thats mean. AND to do this on a nite when the kids are gone??? Oh my! Did he comfort you later in such a manner as to make your hiney relax and your throat make purring noises? HOW COULD HE???!!!I actually laughed so hard reading this that I almost peed and their were tears in my eyes. I LOVED it!!! You really have a knack with writing and getting us to feel exactly whats going on.Thank you for the best laugh I've had in a long time.It brought back the memory of my son hiding in the dryer one day. I'll have to go post that......

[Paige]

I think I would have killed him, but I have to say that this is the very reason I DO NOT ever watch scary movies.

[Heather]

The thoughts this generated are not exactly G rated. Much like the movie you choose to watch. I can stand the occassional "monster" flick -- but the one like you watched do not darken my door step. I get the hiney cringe just thinking about those. And as for MM -- unfortunately I think I have read to many romance novels by Lindsey recently -- I really think you could make him pay dearly for his infraction -- by just being his wife and getting your sweet revenge. Am sure you get my drift... Torment him and then make up.

[Karmyn R]

Being a person absolutely terrified of horror flicks - if my husband pulled that one of us would be dead (my heart attack - or him with the computer keyboard lodged in his skull)

[lisa s.]

omg your blog is hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh today! hahahaha

[Laura]

And yes...I DID see that scary movie and it made me sick to my stomach....especially when the glasses wearing hero had to kick himself out of the freezer with all the body parts. Stick to ANYTHING with Toni Collette in it. I saw Little Miss Sunshine and thought it was one of her best. And there is a new one out with Robin Williams, can't recall the name of it because it was that forgetable, but Toni made the whole thing watchable.

[willowtree]

I can't believe you guys! MM gave Ree one of her best posts in ages and you all want to kill him! And all he had to do was dress up like the guy who runs my local chinese restaurant.Well done MM, keep up the the good work. Oh, and out of interest, does MM have to plug his truck in to keep the Dr. Peppers cold?

[momto3cubs]

Nope, no scary movies for me!No naughty movies and candles and wine, LOL? That is cute though about him scarying you. Did it work in his favor later?

[Chickie]

I just hurt myself laughing. Wow, Marlboro Man is quite creative. I watched that movie a couple of weeks ago when I was home alone and was too freaked out to walk around the dark house til my husband came home!

[C]

oh, I hate horror flicks! Will not watch them. nope, noway, nohow. And that was just mean!! Funny, but mean!!

[Anonymous]

Have him wear that around the horses and I bet you get more great pictures.Remuda Mom

[Pam]

Hi "Yer Buddy"I would love to tell you how I use it. I'm a nurse so any time I have to make some ridiculus call to a doc just so that legally I can say I spoke to the doc...I tell him, "Hey Doc, this is Pam RN and I'm calling about so and so, just to cover my assets."And of course, any time I give advice to a nurse I usually end up telling them to document it (if you don't write it, you didn't do it mentality)just so they can "CYA...cover their assets".Hope that helps.♥Pam

[Ree]

Ree said... Oooo! I have lots to say.Pam, I used your phrase today. I felt really cool. Like you.Julie, if only I'd gotten a pic.Bluebird, "smack to the balls" and "honked the boobage" made my ever-lovin' day.Brooke, I took the photo a good thirty minutes later, after my hands quit shaking so violently.Andrew, I LOVE that movie. But I hate the whole Minnesota (or Wisconsin) bar scene. Why do they have Texas accents? I don't get it.Pixielyn, you MUST post that story. And I'm glad you DIDN'T pee yourself.Paige, long time no see! :)Heather, ahhh, titillating! I do believe I'll TAKE your advice.Karmyn, great visual.Laura, TELL me you've seen Muriel's Wedding. A triumph.WT, quit sidin' with the boy. So typical. He keeps a cooler in the back of his cooler, always stocked with D.P. and lots of ice.Momto3, I'll never tell.Chickie, I just love your avatar. It makes me smile.C, neither will I, from now on. I'm scared. And scarred.Remuda Mom, what a FANTASTIC idea! Seriously. We'll let you know how it turns out.Laura, you poor thing. Your own mama?Pamela, sigh. I don't know how to respond to all you said. Ha!Swampwitch, yeah, that's me...a cultural Mecca. (Belch. Excuse me.)

[Nan]

This was hilarious. I must admit though. I am definitely more likely to be the instigator of said butt cringing and sphincter spasms. I like to freak My Man out ocassionally. I especially like a good practical joke (aka. White lie told expressly to find out how the hearer will react)The mask is a stroke of genious though. **rubbing hands together coupled with an evil cackle**Your reaction is about what mine would have been if someone had shown up to my house wearing a Bozo the Clown mask after watching IT in high school. **shudder** **cringe** and **spasm** Nan

[Anonymous]

I'll bet donkey would have something to say about that mask too.I have curley hair and fought it well into my 20s. You know how you could use those big orange juice cans to straigten hair? I used to roll six of them into my locks and must have looked pretty scary. Hub was holding onto a horse once when I walked out with them on, and the reaction was great.Remuda Mom

[Emmakirst]

This was quite hilarious to read. I agree though, that was a terribly frightening movie. I read this post to my hubby and he laughed about how I did the same thing. I found it to be disturbing, and I am one of those folks who live in the woods hehe.