The Humiliation Chronicles: My Lap Dance with Gary Coleman

I went to college at U.S.C. (Southern Cal, for you football fans.) Being a little ol' gal from Oklahoma, I was terrifically star-struck for the first six months of my residency in Los Angeles. And whether it was because my eyes were peeled at every waking moment or stars really are everywhere in L.A., I saw stars. All. The. Time.

Among my first conquests--and I spotted most of these in the first month--were Tom Selleck, Sean Penn & Madonna (yes, together), John Stamos (of GH and Full House fame back then), David Lee Roth, Johnny Depp, James Garner (Rockford Files, anyone?), and Axl Rose (My shining moment. Not really.)

By October of my freshman year, I had already experienced an earthquake (6.3) and found a boyfriend (Collin). He was from Dallas, was equally star-struck, and turned out to be the perfect playmate. We explored L.A. together with the wide-eyed awe that had abandoned our California-bred friends by age three. Dining out was our favorite recreation (I promise!) so one night we decided it was time to go to Benihana of Tokyo---in Beverly Hills. (Why not? It was corny, expensive, and Collin had a credit card with an $800 limit. The world was ours!)

Toward the end of our meal, chock full of shrimp, snow peas, and rum drinks served in porcelain Buddhas, we spotted him. Gary Coleman. As in Arnold from Different Strokes. As in "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" We were thrilled. We were over the moon. This was, by far, the best L.A. meal we'd had yet!

We had to do something. We had to communicate to Gary how excited we were to see him, that we had grown up watching Different Strokes, that he's so funny, etc. But then Collin lost his nerve. He was feeling just toooooo grown up with his credit card and his Buddha drink. But not me---Collin's cowardice only served to bolster my resolve to---gasp---talk to Gary Coleman!

Collin stayed behind at the table while I made my approach. Gary was at a table with ten others, apparently his entourage. I launched into it immediately: "Um, Mr. Coleman? Hi! I'm from Oklahoma (a sometimes-effective schtick) and I just want to say that I think you're the greatest! " Then I took it to a place I had promised myself I'd never go: "Can I have your autograph?"

With presumptuous pen and paper in hand, I awaited his response. He looked at me, rolled his eyes, and said, "Just give me your mailing address and we'll send you a fan kit."

Ack! My cheeks began to tingle and my flight response kicked in. I suddenly felt the urge to drop all my possessions and run far away from Beverly Hills and back to the safety of downtown Los Angeles.

But I'd made it this far. I sure wasn't walking out of there emptyhanded. A Gary Coleman fan kit wasn't quite the treasure a personalized autograph would have been. But heck, at least I'd always know the fan kit came straight from his own hands...right? So I leaned over to write my address on the slip of paper and...SPLASH! I knocked a steaming-hot pot of tea right onto his lap!

Gary recoiled and yelped, his entourage gasped, and they all looked like they'd kill me. I smiled politely, said "Sorry!" and casually sauntered back to my table.

Collin wasn't there. He had witnessed the whole ugly mess and had already exited the premises. He was outside, waiting for me in the getaway car.

Comments

[Frankie]

This was hillarious! Thanks for a good chuckle.

[Cheese Whiz]

This post has been removed by the author.

[KaraMia]

I used to love that show, well, at least he deserved the hot lap...lol

[Hänni]

Good thing its just tea that ended up in his crotch. After being so rudely, I'd have been tempted to put my foot there as well!

[Kristi]

But see, that makes for a much better memory than merely getting his autograph!

[OMSH]

Some stars seem entirely too full of themselves - this was EXACTLY what should have happened.

[Robin Stokes]

A fan kit?! What a goober. LOL

I can't believe he was so rude, though. Just doesn't seem like the same guy you see (or saw) on t.v. hmph

A pot of tea was probably the hottest thing that had ever been in his lap. Saw him on ET (I think it was, the other night) and he's such an obnoxious little loser...cute kid, but loser as a little adult.