Frontier Follies: Death by Nitrogen

I love gardening. I grow vegetables and flowers of all kinds. I'm particularly fond of my "Hot Cocoa" rose bushes, whose blooms are a deep brownish-red. They bring joy and color to my oh-so-unbelievably-mundane life.

Last year, one of my nine rosebushes started failing. It lost its leaves, then quit flowering altogether. I tried fertilizers and herbicides and treatments galore, but a month later, it was completely dead. The other bushes were as hardy as ever. I just couldn't figure out what had gone wrong.

Months later, I discovered the reason.

You see, my husband pees outside. He grew up in the country and men who grew up in the country pee outside. There are several good reasons for this, according to those who do it. First, you don't have to lift up a lid first. Second, peeing outside saves water. Third---and possibly the most applicable---"Why Not?"

One evening when the urge struck, my hubby stepped out onto the back porch---the same side of the house where my prized roses grow. Though I generally avoid interacting with him when he's performing his I-live-in-the-country-so-I-pee-outside ritual, this time I just happened to be passing by the window when he was right in the midst of the act. To my utter dismay, I noticed his urine stream was landing right on the spot where my beloved rosebush had "mysteriously" perished earlier that year.

I yanked open the back door and shrieked in disbelief, "WHAT are you DOING????" He looked at me with a puzzled expression, party because I was confronting him in the middle of his "moment" and partly because it had never occurred to him that there was anything wrong with what he was doing.

I carried on a minor rant outlining the gravity of what he had done. With each trip to the porch, he had slowly choked the life out of my beautiful rosebush! Though I'm not generally the type of wifey that "lays down the law", I'm quite certain my outburst and subsequent raging about the murder of my precious shrub was enough to signal to my husband that it was time for him to find another spot to mark.

Time heals all wounds, so when spring sprang this year, I felt the need to fill the dead rosebush's space with something brimming with life. Life goes on, and I'd prove it with flowers. I found three lovely pink peonies in full bloom and transplanted them to the exact spot. They filled it perfectly.

Last night as I was doing the dishes (big surprise there), my husband motioned to me to come over to the window. Our three-year-old boy had been playing outside and was doing something "cute" that my husband really wanted me to see.

There, just outside the window, was my boy, peeing off the porch, his stream of urine in full arc mode...landing right on my new pink peonies.

Comments

[Jenni in KS]

Ya know, this is one of the main reasons we moved to the country. Not that living in town stopped dh and the boys from finding a spot outside. It's probably also why we camp so much. So, I guess there have been some benefits (living in the country and camping):o) One day when oldest ds was about 4, I heard hysterical girly screaming coming from the backyard where he was playing with my 10yoSIL an her friend. I walked out on the deck to see ds chasing the girls around and trying to pee on them! I guess that was during his fireman phase;o)

[Ree]

Ha! Boys can really make little girls scream, can't they?

[Under the Sky]

At least the name of the flowers goes with the outside activity! Your writing style is so enjoyable and funny. :+) Kate

[Ree]

Hey, I hadn't even thought of that! Good one. :)

[Nan]

Remind him they are called peonies not PEE ON ME's!:^)

[Bob Cleveland]

I believe it would most likely be death by salt. Or baseness (you can take that two ways).

Nitrogen is good for plants, methinks. It makes grass green. Pee makes it yellow. Then brown.

[Kristi]

My sister lives "out in the country" and for reasons that have to do with not wanting to clean up errant streams of pee on the bathroom floor and walls, she has now insisted that ALL of her son's peeing be done outside.

[MM]

I just wanted to say I have not enjoyed myself more from reading your blog. OMG it's just too too funny. Someone one another forum had meantioned this site and I have been reading it since 7am this morning.. thanks for the chuckle. I look forward to reading more..

[anonymous]

I love to pee outside--I do it every chance I get----at work, I will purposely hold my urine so I can pee in the park on my way home---IT IS GREAT TO BE A GUY

[Jimmy]

Although I don't condone ruining your rose bushes, there's nothing like stepping out into the yard in the early morning, and letting it fly in a proud arc in front of you, doing figure 8's.
Also, with the dreaded 'morning wood' its a much easier job doing it outside, then attempting it in the toilet. Not to mention, the fun it is firing a 6 meter pee stream around the yard like a garden hose. It's one of the fun facts of being a guy.
Its even more fun off a porch - like your son obviously figured out!